As You Refresh

Hi there!

Y’all! I have been hiding this semester.  I want to get back to writing, so this is me, trying my best to put my heart out on the internet.  I hope you can relate to this moment that has stuck with me!

Several weeks ago I was checking my email.  I kept hitting “refresh” to see if I had made it to the second round of an internship that I was in the process of applying for.  Eventually, after hitting that button over and over again, I yelled to my mom from across the house that I had gotten to the second round.

My brother’s girlfriend, Dani, hopped around the corner and asked what was happening. I explained to her how most college organizations, clubs, and company internships deliver a “yes” or “no” through email.  I elaborated to Dani how I had been refreshing my email for weeks to find out about the next round for this company.

Dani said something along the lines of, “Wow, I would not like to wait and sit around in anticipation for big decisions over emails, that sucks.”

To which I said, “Ehhh, I’ve gotten used to it.”

Truly, this post has nothing to do with the company or internship, but purely an example of what it means for my heart to “get used to” refreshing my email.

You see, for years now, I have refreshed my email.  The face value is that I am simply trying to see what decision has been made.  My inner dialogue greatly diverts from that, I wish it was only that simple for me.

At times we all struggle and trip into finding our value in “things.” For some it may be in their significant other, for some it may be in their friend group, others it may be their career, or their grades, or their family, or their house, their money, the list does not end.  For me, I wrestle day in and day out with finding my value in the things I do.

So, yes, waiting for emails informing me of if I was selected to do a “thing” is a whole lot more than the face value it may present.

While I sit at my dining room table, my desk, coffee shop, wherever you may be checking your email, I am not checking just to see an “Admission status” or “Yes” or “Congrats!”… my heart is checking for validation and assurance in that email. That fact has wreaked havoc in my heart and mind.

The validation and assurance that I am still needed in the communities I am in.  The thumbs up that I am still loved.  That I am still valued.  That I am still important.  Somehow my mind has associated a confirming email with my inherent purpose and value.

I have spent a few years “getting used to” the overwhelmingly anxious feeling in my heart searching for validation as I refresh my email.  That saddens me beyond belief, it is has overcome me, and hardened me to a point where that unhealthy angst is normal.

I have not gotten over this, that angst and false internal dialogue hasn’t totally gone away.  My biggest fear is that it never will.  But in that fear there is a Truth that I know, and try to remind myself of on a daily basis.

As my gmail is loading and I am watching the bar that says “Loading…” I know that there is no email that can be sent to me that ever will bring me satisfy my need to feel loved.  As easy as that would be, there is no email that will fulfill me.  There is no email that will finally make me happy.  

So, as you refresh your email for college decisions, job decisions, or anything that could be apart of your future, find rest in that Truth.  You could never receive a confirming email again, and still be just as Loved.

Your value isn’t the sum of the things you’re involved in.  Your value transcends the entire equation.

You are so loved, with or without a confirming email.


Much Love,

Happy HC