I wrote this in December. Truly, I haven’t been able to write much of anything since. So, I’m posting this now because it’s the first step in the direction of what I know to be True. This is me taking a really deep breath and stepping. I hope this helps anyone struggling with similar things!
“There’s more than one type of prison. I think you carry yours wherever you go.”
I have been avoiding this topic for years now. Actually, since I was about fourteen to be exact. I have avoided at all costs writing about it, thinking about, or really talking about it- all the while subconsciously letting it take more of a hold on me in throughout the past six or seven years.
Oh yes folks, this is the post about MEN!! I hope some of you smiled reading that, because it’s been a long time coming.
A lot of the topics I have explored on this blog have been vulnerable to me, but also subjects that I willingly speak about because I know others are vocal about these struggles as well. Yes, it is challenging to talk about my fears of not being liked, or fears of new opportunities, or finding fulfillment in things that have drained me, but in a way these are very much my surface level insecurities. I am very willing to open up about those things to just about anyone who is interested or could benefit nowadays.
Truly, I have no idea where to begin. I’ll start with a story.
I remember going to a routine check up the summer before high school right after I had turned fourteen. I was sitting in the waiting room with an incredible amount of anxiety, not because of getting a finger prick, but because I desperately wanted to get to a movie on time with a boy and his family. Fourteen year old Hadley was panicking in the pediatrician’s office over the potential of disappointing a boy she barely knew at that point. I’m talking nervous sweating to please a fourteen year old boy while getting booster shots for high school, folks.
That was where it began.
Fast forward to present, Will and I spent a Sunday afternoon over winter break watching the new Star Wars movie, and quite a few great quotes were dropped. As they were trapped in a prison cell Chirrut Imwe softly spoke, “There’s more than one type of prison. I think you carry yours wherever you go.”
Once again, my most ignored, unfaced problem hits me like a ton of bricks and I was right back in that doctor’s waiting room as a fourteen year old.
(Just so you know, I stopped writing this post here because it felt so vulnerable, and here I am a two weeks later, trying to face it again! I’m not kidding about ignoring deep rooted issues)
Y’all, my biggest prison is simultaneously my biggest passion: people. More specifically, men. Truthfully, I never have written about men because I didn’t want to be perceived as the girl that ranted on a blog about boys. I wanted to have that part of my life wrapped up with a bow and put away on a shelf never to be touched or questioned by myself or others.
Well, that box has gotten bigger and bigger and I need to open it before it explodes. Take that Instagram filtered, blissfully ignorant, shiny bow off.
The past month or so, I have begun to see what has grown and grown in that beautifully wrapped box over the last 7 years.
A Hadley that is entirely fueled by the attention, affection, and validation of men.
Without that, the Hadley inside this prison, or box, cannot function or operate.
That didn’t feel any better to write as it probably did for you to read.
I’m not writing about this because I have overcome it. I’m writing about it because I know that I cannot be the only one feeling incredibly overwhelmed.
I’m here, typing this out with tears in my eyes, to tell you that I do know the Truth. I know this Truth for both you and I. The Truth is that what is inside this box, inside these prison walls of mine, will never give me what my mind tells me it will.
It will always fail us, it will never sustain us, it will be another outlet that lets us down and leaves us exhausted and saddened with confusion, grasping for more. No matter how pretty or tight the box is wrapped up.
If I have learned anything in college, it’s that putting anything in place of God will never work. I’ve run the gamut on this folks. I’ve written about fulfillment countless times. Men, boyfriends, significant others, friends, any relationship is just another example of something that was never created to be worshipped. Loved, enjoyed, cherished…but not worshipped.
There are many things I wish I could tell fourteen year old Hadley waiting to get a checkup. They would be the same things I am trying to work through now that I have grasped the Truth.
If you’re reading this, and resonating, know that you’re not alone. Know that there is someone else opening this box, trying to unlock this prison as well.
Until then, I’ll be thanking Star Wars for their wisdom and quote dropping.